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A Pretty Portrait of Paranoia

from Collected Nightmares of the 13th Century by Kathryn Valentina

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about

The way I sometimes write lyrics is by taking fragments of poetry from my notes app, trying to find lines in between to stitch them together. These verses don't necessarily "belong" together but once I put them together it seemed wrong for them to be anywhere else.

lyrics

I paint myself a pretty portrait over the mirror, onto my own reflection.
Is it shaped like a man? Like a real one?
With stains and blood? And loaded guns?

When the head rush hits it’s everything you wanted to escape the day.
Keep a fire in your pocket, breathe in deeply,
smoke of words that you could never say.

Look upon yourself without the critical hatred embedded from your mother’s stare.
Even if you don’t see it, it permeates your mind, that self-conscious fear is always there.

Do you feel the gaze of god? Do you feel their eyes prod?
Can you sleep soundly knowing there’s no hope inside removing all your flaws?

Paranoia taught me right,
everything can hurt me and everyone will try.
I chased sunsets that led me to the Oak Hill steps and when they left I wept.

I run through cemetery grass,
there’s no greater sorrow than finally understanding what you lack.
I’m just a gaunt ghost, hiding from affection.
Why did i think that you’d be the exception?
Stupid to think things could change, stupid.

Letting people treat you poorly isn’t going to make you feel more loved.
Those empty rooms just get even emptier when you’re on your own.

You’ll be nervous, like me inside of churches,
like holding a clay pot with one broken hand.
Wish i was a piece of fragile pottery, but not so breakable,
your kinda man.
I probably just need to be alone.

credits

from Collected Nightmares of the 13th Century, released January 1, 2021

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about

Kathryn Valentina New York, New York

Currently stationed in Rockland County, raised in Baltimore City. 19.

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